Whats a Confederations Cup?

Before the Spain/USA Confederations Cup semi-final last week, the ever-philanthropic FIFA announced that it would be giving away free tickets to the game. With some 6,000 seats still available in the 38,000 capacity Free State Stadium, it’s just another damning indictment of this waste-of-space competition. “It’s a gesture from FIFA,” said spokesman Nicholas Maingot, putting on his most convincing voice, “for people to have a chance to enjoy this game.” Oh, a gesture? Much like the gesture that the collective football world has given to you and this competition? No? Or did you actually mean “a last ditch attempt to try and salvage some credibility for this pathetic attempt to make a quick buck?”

Let’s look ahead to Sunday’s final, when Brazil inevitably put four past those plucky Yanks and Lucio lifts the trophy (anyone actually know what it looks like?) at historic Coca-Cola Park. Where do you think that experience is going to rank? Playing in front of 40,000 apathetic South Africans, who much like the rest of us, are killing time before the real thing. Yes, the US team’s smash and grab against Spain will have done a lot for popularity in the States (at least they now realise this isn’t just another batch World Cup Qualifiers), but I hardly think the Spanish were taking to the streets in anger over the loss. They probably were already tucked up in bed.

Seriously, why are we bothering with this? What is the point? Forget the tree falling in the woods, what about the Confederations Cup falling on its face in South Africa. Does that make a sound? (note: yes it does, it’s those poxy horns).

Yes, it’s meant to be the World Cup warm-up for the host country, but what happens if they’re not ready? Does FIFA step in and say, “Actually, this has been a bit shit. We’re moving it to China.” Of course they won’t, rather, it’s this ridiculous “Champion of Champions” obsession Fifa seems to have. Yeah great idea, except some of these continents are a tad more equal than others. But wait, it’s the champions of Oceania against the champions of South America! Oh, wait, that’d be five time World Cup winners Brazil against, erm, 0-time winners New Zealand. In fact, the All-Whites (… tell me about it) have qualified for one World Cup, but three Confederations Cups. So far, they’ve score two goals and conceded 24 in three attempts. Well worth it.

No doubt FIFA’s PR machine will swing into full force come Monday morning branding it a success, but when a tournament gets consigned to BBC Three (the home of Horne and Corden), you know it’s haemorrhaging credibility. With an average of just 34,000 fans attending the group games, even the lure of Brazil vs Italy couldn’t convince fans to fill seats.

So come Sunday, as you spend another summer wandering aimlessly, starved of decent football, don’t let yourself be drawn in. It may look like Brazil playing on the screen, but it’s just mirage. Just keep telling yourself, only another 6 weeks… Only another 6 weeks…

Captain not-so-fantastic

The team captain has a unique position in English football. They are required to be inspirational, dogged, “110 per cent” leaders who can galvanise a team. Unlike our European neighbours who are brought up on finesse, skill and winning the game of tactical chess, our fundamentals reside elsewhere. Instead it’s heart, tenacity and that bulldog spirit on which we pride ourselves. You need to look no further than the auditions held by Fabio Capello earlier this year to see how much emphasis is placed on the role of the skipper. Few things in football irk a fan more than a perceived lack of effort from a player; a captain represents something the rest of the team can look up to, a shining example, leading his team to glory.

William Gallas, however, doesn’t quite fit this image. He may wear his heart on his sleeve, but only when he wants to. If anything, he’s the antithesis of a captain – self-centered, unpredictable and not exactly leading from the front either. Perhaps imploding from within would be a more valid description.

It is clear Arsenal have some serious problems, and they go a lot deeper than Gallas’s temper tantrums, but it would be hard to find a better place to start. Since that fateful trip to St Andrew’s last February, which saw Gallas stage a bizarre sit-down protest as Arsenal dropped two points in the last seconds and meekly faded from the title race, the Gunners’ captain has become more and more volatile. While his comments may be born out of a strong desire to win, his repeated failure to keep his emotions in check means this team is without a leader when they need it most.

“I have to win something this year,” Gallas complained in the press today. “Arsenal has to win something. Another season without a trophy would be a kind of failure.” Something tells me that an ultimatum is the last thing that the Frenchman should be issuing to this fractured squad. Arsène Wenger faces one of his toughest challenges yet. Not only does he have to drag these squabbling kids back into line, he has to make a decision on Gallas’s position within the team. And a vote of no confidence from the boss could just be the thing to set off this temperamental ticking time-bomb. As part of his rant, Gallas claimed one of the most experienced members of the squad was being a disruptive influence “on and off the pitch”. Was he referring to himself?

Under Pressure

A brief look ahead to a few of this weekend’s more important games – from www.wsc.co.uk

With the remarkable parity in the Premier League this month it’s important to remember that while all (well, most) teams look equal, some are more equal than others. One of those teams that may not be as equal as the rest is Gianfranco Zola’s West Ham side who host Portsmouth at Upton Park today. Zola is just getting comfortable, but the feisty Italian could soon start feeling the heat unless his side take the three points on offer. However, Zola does remain optimistic: “It is a test. Not an easy one, but I like it. I have had low moments in my career but I have always reacted well. A couple of wins and you can be in seventh place.”
The Hammers are currently a hot tip for relegation after a run of just one point in their last six games and find themselves just two points off the bottom. With Tony Adams’ side surely looking ahead to Thursday’s clash with Ronaldinho & co against AC Milan, a third straight loss at home could see the fans’ patience with Zola start to wane.

Patience is something Charlton fan’s have definitely run out of as Alan Pardew treads the thinnest of thin ice en route to face 2nd placed Birmingham City. With expectations of playoff contention, the Addicks have won just once in the last ten outings and find themselves just a point off the relegation zone with over a third of the season gone. Pardew did a fine job taking West Ham up after their relegation but has failed to work his magic at the Valley. After taking the lead last week in the 92nd minute and failing to win the game, Charlton will need to conjure up some performance at St. Andrews to secure Pardew’s job status for another week.

Watford find themselves in a similarly unattractive position at the bottom end of the table, but unlike their cross-London counterparts, they clearly weren’t in the mood to explore the murky depths of the Championship any further as they parted ways with Aidy Boothroyd last week. With a disappointing, totally lacking in flamboyance, exit from their long serving president Elton John as well, times are changing at Vicarage Road. They’re now looking to play their way out of trouble under caretaker boss Malky Mackay as the new era prepares to be ushered in. Life after Aidy continues with a trip to Barnsley, Watford in search of their first league win in six.

Boothroyd, however, may not need to move back in with the parents just yet. Huddersfield Town have been sniffing around the ex-Leeds coach after sacking Stan Ternant earlier this month. The Terriers seem undeterred by Boothroyd’s wish to “take a break” from the game for a few weeks (also translated as “waiting for a better offer”) and still hold out hope. For now, they’re currently forging ahead with caretaker boss Gerry Murphy, who’ll take charge today against Leeds at Elland Road. Should Boothroyd decide to stay at home, he’ll be missing out on quite a bit of fun at the McAlpine. There’s been a staggering 24 goals in their last five games, with one of those being goalless. However, Huddersfield have now twice contrived to lose after having a 3-2 lead with less than 8 minutes to go and will have a tough time changing their fortunes.

Respect has to be earned…

Derided as a weak PR stunt, the FA’s painfully ironic “Respect” campaign looks to be heading into full damage-limitation mode.

Haemorrhaging credibility by the week, it appears that just three months in, managers are considering not only withdrawing their support but even a possible “strike” of sorts in protest of the much-criticised initiative. It’s being reported that some managers are weighing up the option of holding players in the changing rooms to delay the start, or restart of a game in an attempt to make a dramatic appeal to beleaguered referee chief Keith Hackett.

Football is characterised by it’s room for human error, many would argue it’s a trait that is integral to the game itself but the campaign has so far only increased tensions between referees and managers. A strike may be an unlikely measure but the mere consideration illustrates the severe shortcomings of the initiative. The season has already produced one of the most bizarre (and worst) refereeing decisions of all time with the infamous “phantom goal” in the Watford v Reading fixture back in September. But Paul Jewell, quoted this week in the Guardian, believes it not just the poor decision making, it’s the lack of accountability: “Every manager says they are hard done-by after games but some of the injustices this season aren’t right.”

“All we want”, he continued, “is for people to hold their hands up and say they made a mistake, whether it’s a referee or a fourth official. They don’t help themselves by cocooning themselves away like they’re untouchable. Even if they had a go back, at least it’s being human and not hiding behind a banner of ‘Respect the ref’. Look at Aidy Boothroyd, he’s lost his job now. That goal between Watford and Reading that was allowed by Attwell didn’t cost him his job but it certainly didn’t help.”

This month alone we’ve seen Joe Kinnear brand Martin Atkinson a “Mickey Mouse referee” (evidently keeping with his cartoon theme after his “Coco the Clown” outburst) and Roy Keane banished to the stands following a brief half-time chat with Atkinson during his sides 5-0 loss to Chelsea. Paul Ince, Tony Mowbray, Dave Jones have all recently publicly challenged refereeing performances as well. The FA is pleading for more time but at this rate it may not even last the season. Respect, after all, is a two-way street.

Roll-up roll-up, the circus is in town…

There are few people happier than me to see the NFL coming back to London for another go. Despite the rain, the worst team in the league and the relatively unremarkable game that played out it was quite the success. And now, we get to see a true crunch match-up between two teams that were touted as possible Superbowl opponents come February. With both teams at 3-4 it’s looking unlikely but as long as the pitch holds up, it should be a tremendous game.

But…

While the stadium would sell out numerous times over, is it really all worth it? From a selfish point of view, of course, a couple of years ago I would have given anything to see a proper NFL game, as in a regular season game that actually meant something. Now, I’m preparing to see my fourth (I’ve seen two in America). But think of the furore of the possibility a 39th game for the Premiership. Yes it was a ludicrous proposal (there are 38 games for a reason), but it isn’t a mile away from the NFL. You get 8 home games a season, and in a league where margins are so fine, just think of what New Orleans are losing by uprooting from Louisiana to play a home game 4,500 miles away.

It’s not just a home game they’re losing. They’re losing a game at the Superdome, a place which arguably gives the Saints a home advantage like no other. You’ve got the cold of Green Bay, the altitude of Mile High and the terrible towels in Pittsburgh, but in terms of fan power, no other team compares to New Orleans. 

Instead of that, they’re the designated home team in a stadium of 80,000 fans mostly containing supporters of 31 other teams, so that’s including Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta etc. 

The fans will get behind the Saints, they are the home team but it’s nowhere near the same as a real home game. Furthermore, it’s as if the Chargers only have to play 7 away games, with 1 neutral, surely a major help in the playoff race (and let’s face it, they need it). 

I can’t wait for the game, I just hope it doesn’t spark a home-field advantage debate. Go Saints!

—-

Aside from the obvious, what really gets me about the International series is the bandwagon nature of… well everyone. At first it might sound like I’m acting defiant because “I liked it before it was cool to like it”, but it really is as if the circus is coming through. Condescending news articles, out of date stories and ludicrous interviews for a couple of weeks before the NFL passes through and we hear nothing of it for a year. Case in point, Times2 today featured a double page spread on the Saint’s role in the revival of New Orleans. It’s a fantastic story but this was 2-3 years ago, it should have been a fantastic story then as well. 

I’m not exactly thrilled with the BBC barging in to claim a place on the bandwagon either. Bringing in Mike Carlson was a great move but Jake Humphreys? Please…

If anything, the real praise should go to Sky, and to a lesser extent Five for their brilliant coverage that’s been consistent for years. The International Series will always drum up some interest but it’ll be the likes of Sky and Five that help sustain it. The addition of NFL Gameday to Sky’s programming is what Britain’s needed for years in terms of the NFL, authentic American coverage of the game condensed into a highlights show that anyone can watch. Perhaps it’ll be the catalyst for at least an amateur-level revival, we’ll have to wait and see.

Stubborn Spurs need a change in Philosophy

Trust me when I say this, Spurs are not too good to go down. They’re not even close.

Yesterday’s 2-1 loss to Stoke City capped a record 8th straight game without a win for Juande Ramos’ side, leaving them stranded at the bottom of the Premier League. Five points adrift at this early stage of the season, it’s a far cry from the optimism of pre-season that saw starry eyed Spurs fans talking of 4th place.

Spurs’ start to the season is a startling reminder that games are not won on paper. While there is plenty of time to turn it around, it’s a slippery slope they’ve embarked on. And it’s not one that’s easily escapable.

The problem is, it’s all well and good losing a few games. It’s a blip, once you get that win, you’re back on track and confidence grows. But when you start losing and keep losing like Spurs have, luck doesn’t just sometimes go against you, it keeps going against you. Negativity sets in, you begin to wonder if the win will ever come, you’re so focused on not making a mistake that you’ll make more mistakes. Teams seem to get more clinical. And before you know it, it’s Xmas, you’re bottom, and it’s a massive hole you’ve got to dig yourself out of.

It’s a downward spiral, and unlike West Ham, Spurs can’t start their season after the New Year, let alone in Marsh like West Ham did. Why? Spurs will panic buy, and that rarely comes off. It nearly backfired on West Ham (see Nigel Quashie).

When you look at the situation, it’s understandable why Spurs find themselves in this predicament. Their efforts to distance themselves from the rest of the mid-table and join the upper echelons has only seen them sink further and further.

Spurs seem to think, with their continental set up, their big ambitions and their lavish spending, that they are too good to have to yield their best players to better clubs. Rather than sell their talent to the bigger clubs, they are a big club, they buy the talent from those below them, snap up whoever is hot at the moment. For example, Danny Murphy, Wayne Routledge, two players bought solely because they were on form. Neither were used much, money was wasted and were sold on. Murphy at the time was talismanic for Charlton and the move benefitted nobody.

And on the flip side, their attitude did nothing but hinder them when Manchester United and Liverpool came calling for Berbatov and Keane respectively. Spurs did the usual, stall and complain for a few weeks until finally realizing that there wasn’t much they could do. They couldn’t realistically keep players of that quality in reserve, so they spent another couple of weeks squeezing an extra million out, and sold the player on.

The result? A long running transfer saga that overshadowed Spurs preseason and limited the time they had in finding a replacement. Not to mention their complete lack of strikers in the first place was their own fault as well. Again willing to snap up the flavour of the month, Charlton managed to sell on Darren Bent for a whopping 16 million at a time when Spurs already had 3 quality strikers. Within weeks it became clear that Bent couldn’t live up to the price tag, but because Spurs didn’t want to admit that, they decided to sell Defoe on, not Bent. Bent would surely only command a fee of 8 million tops, a loss Spurs couldn’t face making. So Defoe was sold, and currently is scoring for fun at Portsmouth. Keane and Berbatov chose to go, leaving Spurs with a £16 million misfit, unable to fit their system.

Even so, Spurs looked a decent side on paper. The Berbatov saga didn’t help but they surely had the talent to go far in the UEFA Cup, achieve a top-six finish.

But look at it closer; £16 million for Modric, a player Arsene Wenger didn’t want. £5 million for Giovani, a player Barcelona didn’t want. £12 million on a Russian striker who we’d never heard of before Euro 2008. £17 million on David Bentley and then not allowing him to play his own game. A £10 million Brazilian goalkeeper who had a reputation for being erratic. Dawson who persistently looks like a League 1 player unless beside a calming influence like Ledley King. King himself unable to string two matches together. A disinterested looking Woodgate. A midfield lacking no bite or creativity whatsoever. Aaron Lennon who’s failing to live up to the potential of 2-3 years ago. Didier Zokora.

The result is a disjointed team that’s unable to play together. They certainly have talent in the squad but no matter how disinterested Berbatov looked, how erratic Robbie Keane could be, they could win Spurs games. Who can they look to now to pull 3 points out of a hat? They don’t even have a captain…

Ramos finally conceded last week that realistically King could only play once every 2 or 3 weeks. Keane brought goals but he also brought a hunger and a leadership that Spurs are now sorely missing. Who in that locker room would you look to to give a rousing half time speech? Jonathan Woodgate? Tom Huddlestone? Jermaine Jenas?

It was Jenas that led the team out against Stoke and as solid a player as he’s become, he just isn’t captain material. A key, and very much unheralded factor in West Ham’s survival last year was the role of Lucas Neill. While only a full back, he galvanized the side, inspired a previously shaky defence and played a huge part in West Ham staying up. Blue collar may not be Spurs’ style, but it’s just what they need come January.

For the record, I think Spurs will get out of it. Newcastle on the other hand might not find it so easy. But what is quickly becoming apparent is that unlike last year, there aren’t a surplus of bad teams to save “giants” such as Newcastle and Spurs. It’s still early but unless Tottenham buck their ideas up quickly, they could have a real fight on their hands.

Booed? Get over it

So the players are biting back eh? Yesterday Rio Ferdinand described England’s boo-boys as “immature, ignorant and shameful” as once again the fans were cast as the villains, setting them up for a convenient excuse the next time England fail.

Plenty of “holier than thou” fans will tell you that booing a team is an action a “true” fan would never take, but I’ve had enough with all this over reaction, Ashley, Rio, get over it.

Of course i understand that booing a player can have a negative effect, destroy morale etc etc but I think at times fans are perfectly entitled to vent their feelings. We are in age where Rio Ferdinand is probably earning close to 100,000 a week, Premiership players average at least 20,000 while fans are expected to give up anything up to £50-£60 to watch a single Premiership game. Heaven knows how much an England ticket is. And how many of those players actually keep this fact in mind? Few I’d say. Even the youth of today are inheriting the arrogance that plagues so many of the Premierships footballers.

I don’t begrudge the money they earn, it’s a market economy, supply and demand etc. But what I do begrudge is players seen not to be trying, a lack of effort. And it’s something that’s universal for all fans. All clubs have players that aren’t necessarily the best, but the 100% effort will always ensure they remain a favourite. But players who don’t even seem bothered, I don’t have a problem in booing them off. If i’ve forked out £35 or so to see my team not even seem to care, I’ll let them know it.

And so we come to Ashley Cole, and there’s few players more disliked than this man. Greedy, arrogant, selfish, obnoxious- stop me any time you want. He’s made little effort to endear himself to the fans so why on earth should fans care about his feelings? He made a stupid mistake because of complacency, but any other player on that England team, would they have been booed?

You’ve made your bed Ashley, now lay in it. You obviously cared little what people thought when releasing that autobiography, why start now?

When Push Comes to Shove

I think my brother summed it up best upong hearing the news; “Oh well”. Indeed, the inevitable has finally happened, oh well.

Perhaps a little sooner than expected but realistically, noone could say they didn’t see this one coming. Despite a relatively easy first few weeks of the new Premiership season, Curbishley never really had a chance. Statistics show that this was West Ham’s best start in 9 years, but of course statistics only scratch the surface. Performances had barely improved on last season and quite frankly, West Ham could easily have been with barely more than a point had their finishing not been so clinical. Then again my grandmother would have been a bus if she was red and had four wheels. Shoulda coulda woulda.

The fact is however, that the reasons for Curbishley’s position becoming so untenable date back much further than simply some unrest after last season’s parking up in 10th place in October and staying there. The media’s been very quick to jump on the backs of West Ham fans for being unreasonable and a lot of what’s being banded about is simply not true.

Firstly, i think if you asked the majority of West Ham fans at this season their feelings on Curbishley, they would have told you the same thing. Skeptical, but give him time. Moreso, the apparent conflict between him and the board if anything galvanised the support of the fans behind Curbishley, sympathising with his position. But fans were still skeptical. This doesn’t mean the fans necessarily wanted rid, but they weren’t sure. Consider this:

• That relegation season when he took over. He “saved” us. No he didn’t in my opinion. It may be incredibly cynical of me, but quite frankly i think Curbishley got lucky that season. For weeks we continued to play incredibly poorly. Maybe this was him turning it around (Hell, I gave Pardew 2 years to get us out and he more than did that), but there’s two main reasons i don’t buy into this. One, the baffling exclusion of Carlos Tevez from the starting lineup for weeks (and the sale of Mascherano). Curbishley (or Day, i forget) actually said they didn’t know what the fans saw in Tevez until they actually started him around the Spurs game. That’s pretty incompetent if you ask me.
  Two, there’s too many reports of Curbishley’s man management being appalling. If there’s someone to  lift a dressing room, it’s not him. Now I get angry enough when Carlos Tevez is given 100% credit, because the additions of Lucas Neill and Mark Noble were just as important in keeping us up. And Lucas Neill is the key here. Say what you like about his character, the supposed 60k he earns, but he really does seem a fantastic captain, he’s been handed it everywhere he’s gone. I’m pretty sure his work to galvanise the team was invaluable.

• Curbishley’s never looked fantastic in the transfer market. Sure Upson has been a revelation, Neill’s was fantastic in the survival year. But the Ljungberg saga, Dyer, Parker, Davenport, Nigel Quashie. I’m not saying this should get him sacked, but it’s a reason to be skeptical

What goes around, comes around

It was a familiar situation for Spurs when Martin Jol exited the club last November. For the past 3 years, they had been steadily on the rise, a 7th and two 5th place finishes, they’d played some smashing football, made some incredibly shrewd signings and looked to be pushing on. But all of a sudden it seemed to go a bit peared shaped as the Spurs of old looked to be returning. A defence lacking leadership without Ledley King, a goalkeeper completely bereft of confidence and Charlton Athletic making off with 17 million in “that” Darren Bent deal. The dressing room was lost, Michael Dawson’s performances dwindling with no experienced head beside him and hopes of a top half finish were pretty much gone.

Kudos to the Spurs board though for wasting no time in rectifying the situation. The signings of Alan Hutton and Jonathan Woodgate were again fantastic pieces of business to shore up that terrible back-line while we all know what Juande Ramos could do. He’s shaping that team using the Sevilla blueprint that worked so well and while we thought Jol’s Spurs were good, Ramos’s could really be the real deal. Add in the signings of the much coveted Luca Modric and Giovani Dos Santos and surely thats a team that could concievably make a run for 4th, even 3rd within a year or two. I mean, those two players aren’t just another “next big thing”, they could easily be playing for the Chelseas and Man Utds of this world

Trouble is, the big guns have come calling and it’s not just Berbatov this time. Robbie Keane’s just made the switch to Liverpool (in what Daniel Levy’s called an “enforced transfer”) and the Bulgarian could well be off to United again despite the wishes of the club. It’s harsh on Spurs who are doing their best to push on, only to have two of their most consistent, talented performers choose to leave, but thats the Premiership and quite frankly, what goes around comes around.

Spurs have spent the last few years snapping up anyone who’s the flavour of the month, and at times, it seems they’ve done it just because they can, rather than fill a need. It’s quite hypocritical of Levy to complain, he is getting 20 million for a striker who isn’t proven at Champions League level (Craig Bellamy anyone?) which is certainly more than Crystal Palace got for John Bostock. Due to some ridiculous outdated law, Spurs were able to take the 5million rated Bostock, a figure they were seemingly willing to pay, for just 700k. Yet Levy has the cheek to lament how he was given no choice but to let Keane go for 20 million. Even worse, he may just have to let Berbatov for something in the region of 30 million. Premiership transfer fees are inflating back to levels not seen since the turn of the century. Yes, it’s tough to lose your best players to bigger clubs, but why not quit your whining and think about how to spend that best part of 50 million you’ve just recieved.

Euro 2008 Wrap: It’s the Bryant Awards!

Yes, Euro 2008’s come and gone quicker than a host nation and while “best tournament” ever calls may be a bit premature, it was pretty darn good. Plenty of goals, drama, laughable punditry and a complete lack of Britain conspired to produce an exciting couple of weeks, otherwise usually filled by Sky Sports trying to convince us to watch county cricket.

So as Spain continue to celebrate their first trophy in 44 years, it’s time for the inaugural Bryant Awards ‘08. Without further ado…

The Tottenham Hotspur Award for Most Watchable Team Despite a Woeful Defence

Spain were easily the best team, but you just couldn’t keep your eyes off Turkey. Words can’t describe how they managed to keep coming back, let alone with a more incredulous feat each time. And just as you went to write them off for being “lucky” and not that good technically, they go and play the Germans off the park. I’m hard pressed to find a more remarkable cup run. Apparently they led for 15 minutes in the whole tournament, AND were knocked out by a 90th minute goal. It wasn’t always pretty but they were a hell of an advertisement for football.

The Derby County Award for Just Turning Up.

It should be blasphemy to call the previous winners the worst team but Greece were almost offensive to watch this time around. For all the negativity around Austria’s participation, they were anything but out of place. If they could have just put the ball in the back of the net they could have been the pride of Austria. Nevertheless, Greece were just terrible. With almost every other team determined to push forward and play to win, the Greeks were determined to stick by their 9-1-1 and were justly rewarded with 1 goal, no points and no self-respect.

Best Player

Everyone knows that if Russia had beaten Spain then Arshavin would have this wrapped up, but you can’t give it to someone who played 3 games and was a bit quiet in one of them. It’s hard to judge considering Spain put in such a team performance overall while the rest were so inconsistent. But I’m probably going to have to go with UEFA and pick Xavi. His contribution is so understated. It’s not the same as Senna who it’s very easy to pick as “you don’t see much of him so he must be doing a good job”. He’s a very good player but it’s such a fashionable pick, the defensive midfielder. Xavi really was almost flawless in every game, and his goal against Russia sent them to the final.

The Jon Stead Award for Being Unable to Hit a Cow’s Arse with a Banjo

Mario Gomez scored 28 for Stuttgart last year, and I’d probably let him off if it weren’t for two things. People were tipping him for top goalscorer and he got benched after 3 woeful displays. And he managed to clear the ball from off the Austrian line from a yard. That requires new levels of incompetence.

Best Match

So many to choose, but for me I think I’m going to have to go with Holland v France. Turkey’s games only got going late and I loved the Russia/Holland game but the drama of Holland’s 4-1 was fantastic.

Worst Match

France v Romania, 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Best Goal

Tough to choose as while there were some good goals, there’s not one that really stands out. My favourite probably has to be Bastian Schweinsteiger against Portugal. Great team goal as Podolski plays two 1-2s down the wing before Schweinsteiger times his run to perfection to steer the cross home.

The Guus Hiddink Award for Overachievement with a Relatively Unknown Team

Ironically, it’s not Guus Hiddink. Russia were bloody good, and Russia have never looked like winning an international game in the past 50 years. But you are some manager if you can rouse your team from a 1-0 half time deficit, a 2-0 deficit with 18 minutes to go, and equalise after conceding in the 119th minute. What tops it off was that performance against Germany. Nobody saw that coming.

The Steve McClaren “How did that moronic grinning oaf ever get put in charge of anything?” Award

It wasn’t France’s best ever team, but Raymond Domenech really was the French version of Second choice Steve. He got everything wrong, he left out 20 goal David Trezeguet, Phillippe Mexes, Gael Clichy, Mathieu Flamini and Bakary Sagna. He refused to play one of the biggest talents in the world, Karim Benzema, in his proper position. He kept playing Nicolas Anelka. He picked Lilian Thuram. To top it off, in a totally McClaren-esque move, he proposed to his girlfriend on TV IMMEDIATELY AFTER BEING ELIMINATED AT THE FIRST HURDLE WITH ONE POINT.

It was compelling just to see what he’d get wrong next.

The Lance Armstrong Award for Never Giving Up in the Face of Adversity

Jens Lehmann. No matter how bad, how inept, how incompetent, how completely and utterly rubbish, he kept on going. He kept putting those gloves on and blaming everybody else for his mistakes.

Good for him.

The Mike Riley Award for Most Partizan Decision

Let’s be honest, that was NEVER a penalty when Austria were given a 92nd minute lifeline against Poland. They’d squandered chance after chance but the selfless Howard Webb handed them a point which lifted the spirits of the whole nation, and also earned Ivica Vastic a lifetime’s supply of beer.

The Mark Viduka Award for Most Smug Celebration

Now I love Andrei Arshavin, and I love . Simply brilliant.

The Kevin Keegan “Think before you speak” Award

Like many Polish, Prime Minister Donald Tusk was slightly miffed at Howard Webb ending Poland’s tournament. However, going on record saying “As the prime minister I have to be balanced and collected. But last night I was speaking very differently about the whole thing, I wanted to kill” perhaps wasn’t the best way to go about it.

The David Pleat Award for Most Bumbling, Incoherent Piece of Commentary

Luckily Shimbomba wasn’t at the Euro’s and David Pleat wasn’t that terrible. The award goes to ever increasingly senile John Motson for this nugget during the Italy/Romania game. “And had Christian Panucci scored a day earlier, he’d be the oldest ever goalscorer at a European Championships. Ivica Vastic currently has the record after his penalty for Austria last night”.

Erm, what?

The Jermaine Defoe Award for Bad Timing

I’m not saying that Scolari’s early appointment caused Portugal to exit the competition or anything. But how many games did they win after that?

Yeah, thought so.

Best Punditry

Despite the majority being substandard there were a few brief shining lights. Martin O’Neill’s ability to disagree with himself was always amusing while Gordon Strachan was criminally underused. Danny Baker wasn’t technically a pundit but was brilliant on his return to 606. Mind you, anything would be better than the insufferable Tim Lovejoy and Spoony. Also, it does pain me to say it but I quite enjoyed Marcel Desailly on the sidelines with Ray Stubbs.

Worst Punditry

Where on earth do you start? Steve Ryder was one of the more bizarre acquisitions from ITV while Clive Tyldesley and Peter Drury continued to annoy me. I don’t think anyone enjoys the tiresome, banal witticisms from Motson and Lawrenson but Alan Green has to top them all. His rants are getting increasingly bizarre as he tries to sensationalise anything and everything in an attempt to “stir things up”.

Team of the Tournament

Iker Casillas (Spain)

Sergio Ramos (Spain)

Carlos Marchena (Spain)

Pepe (Portugal)

Yuri Zhrikov (Russia)

Wesley Sneijder (Holland)

Michael Ballack (Germany)

Xavi Hernandez (Spain)

Andrei Arshavin (Russia)

Lukas Podolski (Germany)

David Villa (Spain)

Subs: Buffon (Italy), Marchena (Spain), Senna (Spain), Torres (Spain), Pavlyuchenko (Russia), Fabregas (Spain), Semih (Turkey)